Battered
by Mishra
Summary: Two years after the end of the Vord war, Tavi still hasn't made his peace with what happened. Fortunately, he has Kitai to comfort him.


Tavi jerked away with a start, barely able to suppress a shout of alarm. For a moment he was disoriented until the heat of the sleeping body next to him made him realize that he was safely lying in his bed. He breathed a sigh of relief and sank back down into the cushions for a moment. It was a miracle that he hadn't woken Kitai given that they had been spooning each other. The Marat woman was a light sleeper most of the time, Tavi guessed that her second pregnancy might play a part in her deeper sleep. He gently ran a hand over her bare and still flat stomach while he tried to calm himself. The feeling of her feverish skin was familiar and soothing. Touching her helped a little, but not nearly enough to get back to sleep. Sighing, Tavi slipped out of bed, careful not to wake Kitai. It was summer and their bedchamber was still sweltering even though it was deepest night. Nevertheless, Tavi felt cold, his body was covered in sweat. He decided against putting on any clothes until the sweat had dried and made his way over to the Desi's room to check on his young son. While the princeps of the realm had been sleeping through the night for several months now, he still roused his parents from sleep occasionally. Today, however, everything was alright. The boy was lying on his back and snored softly. A lock of white hair fell into his face. Tavi smiled slightly. His mother always said that Desi looked like him with Kitai's hair. It was still unclear how many Marat traits Desi had inherited from his mother, given that he was the only half-Marat in living memory and it was one of the many things which worried Tavi. Desi's eyes hadn't settled on a color yet which was normal for Marat children as they only obtained their final eye color once that had found their totem, but Tavi was not sure whether that meant that Desi was going to bond with anyone or anything. Kitai had not been able to answer that question, but as usual she was not overly worried over the future. After all, they would find out sooner or later anyway. Having checked on his son, Tavi fetched himself some water and made his way to the balcony.

The moving of the capital to Appia was still in process, so they were still based in Riva. However, over the last two years, the residence they had taken over had been reworked. Further security measures had been added including a thick and tall wall with watcher furies. Originally, Tavi had argued against the wall, stating that he wanted to be close to the people rather than isolated, but Araris had refused to budge on the matter. He had pointed out that the life of the First Lord and his family was too precious for any compromises regarding security. His mother had agreed with her husband, so Tavi had caved in the end. He had to admit that it had its perks. Now, he could stand in the dark on his balcony in private rather than having to deal with any unwanted attention. It probably would cause quite a ruckus if word got around that the First Lord was standing on his balcony in the middle of a humid summer night as nude as the day he was born. He walked to the edge of balcony and rested his hands on the railing. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. The garden smelled of flowers and summer. It reminded him of his childhood on the steadhold. He felt a pang of nostalgia at the thought. While his childhood had not been happy, given that he had grown up without parents and had been ostracized for his lack of fury craft, he could appreciate the perks of a simple life by now. Back then, he had been frustrated at the thought of becoming a shepherd like his uncle, but today he knew that there were worse things in life than hard, honest work. Nevertheless, he had always struggled with the lack of control he felt over his life. In the past, he had blamed his lack of fury craft for this failure to carve his place into the world, but he had gotten rid of that problem years ago. Still, looking back over his short life, there had been very few decisions which had been entirely in his control. Sure, he had wanted to join the academy and had opted to become a cursor, but he had never asked to be a military commander nor to become the ruler of the realm.

Both of these roles had been thrust onto him and while he had managed not to mess up too badly, it had never been his dream. It was a duty, not a privilege. Tavi wondered what he would do if he could choose freely. Would he still be a cursor serving under a different First Lord? Or would he become a scholar like Magnus had suggested? It was not a bad option. He had had a lot of fun working through the romanic ruins in Appia and there were a lot of questions which still needed answering over the origins of Alera. Most of all, it was a peaceful job without any responsibilities. Would that make him happier than he was today? It felt silly to be so negative about being the ruler of Alera. A lot of High Lords dreamed about the position after all. But Tavi was not sure whether they were truly aware of how difficult it was to keep the realm together. Even with the Vord war fresh on everybody's mind, there were still a lot of conflicting interests in the upper class of Aleran society and his rather polarizing decisions had not made it easier to keep everyone on more or less the same page. Before he had time to go down that particular path, he heard feet padding on the stone floor behind him. He recognized Kitai immediately. He could feel her sleepiness and a sliver of worry as she took her place next to him.

"Chala", she said softly, putting an arm around him and leaning her head into his shoulder. "Why are you awake?"

"I had a bad dream", said Tavi. "I am sorry I woke you."

"It's no matter. I will fall asleep quickly once you are back in bed with me. But first, tell me about your dream."

"Why?"

"Because it is obviously troubling you, Aleran. Also, dreams can be messages of the one. You will need me to interpret them correctly."

Tavi sighed. He was in no mood to relive the dream, but he could tell that Kitai was not going to budge on this.

"Fine. I dreamed about the Vord war. The dream started back in Canea. I remember being in that hive where we killed the Vord queen."

"You mean the hive where you tried unsuccessfully to reason with a Vord queen and we had to come to your rescue?" asked Kitai, smirking.

"Yes, exactly", said Tavi, rolling his eyes at her smirk. "But in my dream, there is no happy end. Varg, Max, you and the hunters rush into the cave, but all of you get killed before you have the chance to reach me. Then, I am all alone against the Vord queen and she tears my apart."

"Was this when you woke up?"

"Not yet. Afterwards, the dream changed and I saw Alera getting swallowed by the Vord. I woke up after the fall of Garrison, shortly after the Vord queen had ripped out my uncle's heart."

"It was only a dream, Chala", said Kitai and squeezed him softly. "A dream of horrors long gone. They cannot hurt you anymore."

"I know," said Tavi. "Against all odds, we have defeated the Vord queen and lived to tell the tale. However, the chapter is not closed for me. I cannot make peace with what happened."

"What do you mean?"

"It was so close. Way too close. There were at least a dozen moments where we barely survived and where everything could have gone wrong. Just think about the Vord queen attack on our camp shortly before the final battle. Both of us were about to die and Dorotea pulled us back from the very brink. I failed to prevent this attack. And even with everything going right, still hundred thousand of Alerans died. Not to mention the millions of Canim who perished in Canea. It was a victory, but only a bitter one."

"Aleran, sometimes, I wonder whether the one has blessed you or cursed you", said Kitai. She slid in front of him, so she could look him straight into the eyes.

"What has to happen for you to be happy? You have your furies, you are a war hero, the savior of Alera and you are the First Lord. But still, you blame yourself for things out of your control. This is foolish. You have a life to live and you cannot let the past ensnare you. You fought a brilliant campaign against the Vord. What do you gain by picking at the wounds of the war?"

"I know that it is irrational, but it is just the way I feel", said Tavi, rather frustrated. "I am not the same man I was when I sailed towards Canea, Kitai. I feel… on edge all the time. Like I have to give all I have all the time to make sure that the next Vord attack will not destroy us all. I want to change so many things, but the rest of the Aleran leaderships slows me down and it drives me insane! I am the First Lord, but I feel like a ship during a storm. I am getting tossed around by the waves of all the other political actors. I am not sure what it means, but I don't like it. There is only so much work I can do on every day and it doesn't seem to make any difference."

Kitai silenced him by pressing a hot finger to his lips. She looked up into his eyes and he could read the concern on her face and feel it through their bond.

"Chala, you are driving yourself too hard", she said. "It is not unusual for you to spend all of your strength for your current task, but at some point, you need to rest. You have limits, even though you hate to acknowledge them. Even the swiftest and most resilient horse cannot run for a week without resting. You have been pushing yourself hard since we have sailed to Canea and have not stopped even after you defeated the Vord queen. You just picked a new goal and kept pushing. It is too much and it is what is gnawing at you."

Her words rang true in Tavi's mind, but that did not mean that he was ready or willing to just accept them. He was the First Lord and that came with certain responsibilities.

"Kitai", he said, after pressing a soft kiss to her finger. "You are probably right about that, but I am the leader of my people. I cannot just take a holiday. Who would pick up my work in the meantime?"

"You have advisers, have you not?" said Kitai. "The realm does not depend on one person, not even on one as driven and smart as you, Aleran. The other High Lords will take care of their own affairs and you can defer a lot of your tasks to Eren or Magnus or Max or Isana or even Fidelias. You don't have to do everything yourself, even if it means that things don't turn out as perfect as they would if you handled them personally. You are still young, but you are already feeling the strain. This cannot go on forever."

Tavi pondered that for a moment. She wasn't wrong. He had people he could trust with the safety of the realm. At least for short periods. And he had to be careful not to consume too much of his strength too quickly. Gaius Sextus had ruled well into his eighties, even though he probably would have been happy to hand the realm over to his son in better circumstances at an earlier point in time. If Tavi had to rule for an equally long amount of time, he would have to take care of himself. Given his tendency to skip sleep and meals to get things done, he was not doing too good a job at that at the moment.

"You are right", said Tavi. "I just hate to lose control over anything. But what would you have me do?"

"Take a holiday", said Kitai directly. "Take three weeks off and don't even think about the realm during them. Spend your time with Desi and me. Get out of Riva for a while and visit my family. Doroga will probably scold me for being a bad wife, but I am willing to deal with it for your sake, Chala."

"Why would he do that?"

"Because a wife is supposed to take care of her husband and to prevent him from doing overly foolish things. And for as long as I have known you, Aleran, I have never been able to talk you out of your insane ideas. I suppose it is part of your charm."

Tavi smiled at that and ran a hand through her soft white hair.

"I tend to be quite stubborn about my ideas", he admitted. "I would like to take three weeks off with you, but I cannot leave the realm alone for so long. There has to be some other way."

"There isn't", said Kitai. "And I am not willing to negotiate on this."

"But Kitai, you don't understand, the realm…"

"Will still stand and mostly be in the same position it currently is once you get back to work. Ask Eren if you don't believe me. And you will be much more focused once you've had some time to unwind."

"Fine", huffed Tavi. The situation would be easier to deal with if she were wrong. "But I will only go after I have spoken with Eren, Magnus and Max about this. If they feel confident that they can handle things without me, then I will take a holiday. But only for so long as they feel comfortable with and only if I they can reach me should it be necessary."

"That is acceptable", said Kitai. Tavi had the distinct impression that she was already thinking about ways to influence Eren and Max to let him leave. She probably didn't have to convince Magnus. The old cursor would be delighted to have Tavi out of his hair for a while. Their positions were too different to work noiselessly with each other after all.

"And you will see that they will give you permission to leave. Your water-crafting should be enough to make it easy to contact you."

"And you are sure that this will help me? I just feel… battered or maybe worn down. Like a candle which is just about to go out. Nevertheless, I feel like I have to keep pushing myself further and further."

"I am sure, Chala. You Alerans sometimes forget how to live. You are not supposed to spend your life in dusty offices. You should be out in the wild: running, riding, hunting, mating and fighting. We are going to visit my family during your holiday. There is enough wilderness out there for you to clear your head. Besides, it is about time that we attended a clan gathering. We are the founders of the Aleran clan, after all. I look forward to show everyone that the scrawny Aleran I have bonded with has become the most powerful man in Alera."

Tavi was not sure whether the liked that prospect, but getting out of the city certainly seemed like a good idea. He could not remember when he had last enjoyed a warm day or seen a sunrise. He could deal with the Marat. Also, it was a nice to worry about such mundane things as taking a holiday with his wife's extended family.

"Fine, we will give it a try, but remember my conditions."

"Of course, Chala", said Kitai, rolling her eyes. Then, she pressed a soft kiss to his lips. "You know, as infuriating as you can be a times, you are quite reasonable about this. It must be my Marat wisdom rubbing off on you."

"Clearly", said Tavi, cracking a smile. Then, he yawned widely. The adrenaline had left his body by now and he felt exhausted again.

"Alright, back to bed, now", said Kitai. "It would be wise to cancel your first meeting in the morning as well, but I have a feeling that you will not follow that advice."

"You are quite right", said Tavi. "I can rest during the holiday. Until then, it is business as usual. Come on let's head to bed and hope that Desi sleeps through the night. It would be just my luck that he stirs as soon as I am asleep again."

He took her hand and led her back to the still sweltering bedchamber. Tavi reached out to his furies and lowered the room temperature with a fire-crafting. Sadly, there was no permanent solution to the heat, but at least it should be easier to fall asleep now. He got into bed. Kitai followed suit and cuddled into him. Tavi was asleep within moments.


End file.
